Super Paint Brawl:Invader XION

[dvc]

im wrtieing a fan fic im doing it i really am doing one
anys this is kinda of a spin off of invader zim
chapter 1 It Begins
DVC and His Buddy Mega where stargazing one night when they saw something. Its a shooting star! mega said in joy. No its too purple to be a comet. DVC said. But when it hit the ground a fire could be seen in the distance . So they went seaching for it. They saw something a beng standing in the fire. Then it walked out. And it yelled I AM XION!!!!! well thats it so far ill keep u guys updated soon

[Grimscott]

You need to work on your punctuation and stuff. And you need to put quotation marks around the words someone who's talking is using. For example:

"I am Xion!!!"

Also, if this is an origin story about Invader Xion then it would go here.

[dvc]

its not an orgin its a story about him i alredy covered the orgin in the stop zarth thread he was making a test flight

[dvc]

Ok i want more commets before i start part 2.

[ghost]

My first SERIOUS review of something. I usually keep these things short and point out small things, because I hate having to point out hundreds of things and then look up the correct words for them. It just isn't in me, I mean, I know what it is and how it works, but the official word for it always escapes me. Giving stories GOOD CONSTRUCTIVE reviews is a LOT harder than it is COMING UP with and WRITING good stories, I promise you that.

For starters, you need to work on your grammar, punctuation, spelling, and vocabulary.

Every sentence should begin with a capitalized letter. When a character speaks, such as Mega when he said "It's a shooting star!", there should be a ", that very last one, right before it. If you are continuing the sentence, then put another " before the next one. And you should also put a , right before that.

You've also got to understand "its" and "it's"

Another issue is, again, commas, but also sentencing and spacing. Some of your sentences need to be spaced and commas should be but after certain words. You should keep dialogue(when a character like your or Mega is speaking) and action (anytime a " is not put before or after a sentence or when someone is not talking)

Were would mean something like "We were here last year.".

Where means "Where are you.".

You need to make your words more advanced and your chapters longer. I know that typing online doesn't seem like a "book" persay, but your chapters should still have at least enough to make us have to scroll down, otherwise you should probably lengthen your chapter, if not bother to write it at all.

One thing I saw is how you stopped mid-story. You said:

And it yelled "I AM XION!!!".

And then, you said:

well, that's it so far ill keep u guys updated soon.

First, NEVER replace "you" with "u". Even if you think it's funny, try to be professional, On these forums, it wouldn't matter either way, but writing a story or a fanfiction, it makes you sound childish and uneducated.

Second, you should use more words. When characters are speaking, you shouldn't always use "said", but try words like "whispered" or "murmured" or "bellowed" or "shouted" or maybe even the oh so creative "sounded".

There was also the "beng". Try and use spell check if you can't get all of your words right, It helps considerably. Beng should be "being". There should also not have been an "a" after it. You meant to say:

They saw a being in the fire. And it yelled "I AM XION!!!"

Your spelling isn't the best, but it could be worse. The worse I saw was improper sentences and capitalization mistakes,

Example(follow the bolds, they are what your story or sentence should look like. They are also errors, be it captilizing or spelling.))

Chapter 1/One (Optional)
It Begins

DVC and his buddy Mega were stargazing one night when they saw something strange and peculiar. [insert description of what thing is or what it looks like or how Mega or DVC can see it].

(ex. It twisted wildly, then bucked into a stop, before shooting straight down and plowing into the earth in a pile-driver like maneuver.)

"It's a shooting star!" said Mega in joy.

"No, it's too purple to be a comet." DVC whispered back to him, struck with curiosity.

(Add detail to a character's speech. Also, after "no" there should have been a comma. There are "'s right before a character speaks and right before you type "DVC said".)

But as it struck the ground, a small fire could be seen, not far off into the distance of green fields the two friends had chosen. Not the least bit feline, (This alludes to the saying "curiosity killed the cat", in the same way that you and Mega are curious and are chasing this mysterious thing that is apparently Xion and will harm both of you I.E- Clever wordplay, not the best, but it serves the purpose), the two sprang up from their sitting positions and gave chase, searching for it throughout the fields.

They soon came upon something. It was smothered in flames, twisted and scarred assuredly. Mega reached in to help it, but reeled back as the flames spat back at him.

The creature stepped out of the fire, grabbing and twisting Mega's wobbling arm. As DVC stood in a battle-ready pose, the monster screamed, "I...AM...XION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

---

(It's usually a good idea to leave these at the bottom of your chapter if you intend to say something not related to the story. For example, me telling you why it is important to say "Please review" behind this line. It is the two-headed arrow on the tag menu.)

This is seen as ADDING text to the story, adding to the length of the chapter and the action. It might seem unnecessary, but it gives NECESSARY background imaging to the reader, just like how I just explained WHY I added in those few words of dialogue so you wouldn't wonder why I added parts to your story so that you could understand why I just explained why I added parts to your story to not explain at all.

Supercalifragilisticxpialdocious!

[dvc]

well thanks ghost for the tips