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Post by benavides20 on Jun 21, 2008 4:43:47 GMT -5
1st story cut me some slack
prolauge/chapter 1 toxic
''ow......ow...stop!!'' rob yelled
''sorry Mr smiles its my job ,your lucky your alive after all you've been through'' doc said as the simbolites growled
''you need to lighten up you are a clown?? right???''
''was.......can i ask you something??''
''yes''
''keep those things away''
doc quickly stop the simbolites from attacking the ball's of rob
"thank you" rob fell asleep
*weeks later*
rob went to check the crucuis where the man who hit rob with a pie was last was seen, people stared at him his face after it was deformed
no much was found the place was deserted
there was one room left his old change room ,he opened the door there was blood every where
and a rubber chicken
"who did this??"
property of zigzag
"I WILL GET YOU FOR THIS ZIGZAG"
he grab his gear and went to a place to stay
he made a mask and put on a suit
"I am coming my name is Who-face" he yelled
"shut the f**k up the brawl footy is on"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2008 8:38:33 GMT -5
Good story you got going here, yellow text hard to read, but keep on writing the.... "doc quickly stop the simbolites from attacking the ball's of rob..."  |
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Post by rabiesisme on Jun 21, 2008 9:26:42 GMT -5
A LOT of spelling and grammatical errors. I'm not going to name them all, but I suggest you have someone correct all the following chapters before you post them.
About the story: it's going way too fast.
Example:
" "I WILL GET YOU FOR THIS ZIGZAG"
he grab his gear and went to a place to stay
he made a mask and put on a suit "
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Post by Ele Mantel on Jun 21, 2008 11:44:42 GMT -5
The yellow is really annoying, seeing as I have to highlight it to see it.
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Post by Grimscott on Jun 21, 2008 13:43:19 GMT -5
The yellow is really annoying, seeing as I have to highlight it to see it. Yeah, you should try gold instead. Also my character ruined your character's life. IS THAT COOL OR WHAT?! :D |
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Post by Ele Mantel on Jun 21, 2008 15:46:35 GMT -5
The yellow is really annoying, seeing as I have to highlight it to see it. Yeah, you should try gold instead. Also my character ruined your character's life. IS THAT COOL OR WHAT?! :D No you didn't. |
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Post by Grimscott on Jun 21, 2008 15:57:17 GMT -5
Yeah, you should try gold instead. Also my character ruined your character's life. IS THAT COOL OR WHAT?! :D No you didn't. Huh? ZigZag is one of my guys. Whoface belongs to Aiden. |
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Post by benavides20 on Jun 21, 2008 19:07:12 GMT -5
chapter 2 dist-action
later in brawl city how face came around looking at 3 brawlers
"what do ya want fresh man" said mcjesus
Who-face pulled out a gun and shot
a sigh came out saying boom
Mcjesus laughed again try again didn't your gun work
"burn him Mcj" said a man with a pointy tooth
crucify this
he pulled the trigger the sign went flying strait through Mcjesus head thus killing him
grimscott came to see what happend and thew her scythe trying to hurt who-face, he dogued and shot 3 spinning tops out of his suit each one exploding and killing grimscott
orange blur came rushing toward who-face , who-face took a step and put his arm out , he kept on running the arm smash into him head the orange man fell on the void
who-face opened a can of peanuts and a snake sprung out and bit the orange man
"name?"
quickfeet....arg the snake bites him harder
"you got something on the side of your head"
What!!!!
who-face ripped off his wings
quickfeet screamed in pain
oh did i do that sorry
"this is the B.A.W.T put you hands up NOW you are under aresst for assalut" yelled a man in a chopper
aww fudge
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2008 19:09:40 GMT -5
Good, but remember to capitalize.
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Post by Maybe Might Not Be Moneybags on Jun 21, 2008 19:12:30 GMT -5
Okay:
A. Too fast, again.
B. You switch between Present and Past tense.
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Post by benavides20 on Jun 21, 2008 19:14:54 GMT -5
Okay: A. Too fast, again. B. You switch between Present and Past tense. i need to work on that. |
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Dognapalm
Lurker
[M0n:500]
temp incarnate
Posts: 112
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Post by Dognapalm on Jun 21, 2008 19:17:56 GMT -5
Not bad, but the yellow colour should be changed and the plot runs too fast.
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