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Post by Zarth on Dec 17, 2008 15:04:24 GMT -5
Ok everyone, i've re edited the story hopfuly it's better now. Could you guys please delete my other thread?
Prologue: The release Part 1 of 4(Book 1 of 3)
It was like any other normal day on a small community street that had houses lined up along a smooth paved road with a few cracks here and there. Birds flew around in the gleaming morning clear sky as the bright yellow sun rose up from the horizon, lighting up a dissident metropolis. It was a very peaceful morning, the dew on the grass reflecting the suns light making the grass Sparkle as a gentle breeze blew by. The leaves on the trees made a smooth rustled sound as the wind blew right through every tree on the block, the smell of freshly cut grass came with the breeze, a few blocks down, there was a man mowing his lawn with his spiffy new red lawn mower, so shiny, it reflected the blinding light of the sun. Across the street, a man walked outside of his house with a black suit case in his left hand, wearing a clean white jacket and black genes. The man with the Lon mower yelled "good morning!"And waved his hand to go with the pleasant greeting. The man with the suit case smiled and raised his hand while leaning down to press a button on his car to start it up for the day.
When he pressed the button, the car started up, making a humming like charging sound you would hear from defibrillator but with a lower pitch. All the lights and gate along the dash board and the top of the front view mirror lit up with a brilliant blue light. When he sat down in the driver’s seat, he put his sit case gently on the next seat beside him. He reached up and pressed a small red button that had a picture on a moving car on the front. The car started to rustle back and forth, 2 bright white light lit up underneath the car. Then the car started to slowly rise from the ground, knocking away any small bit of sand or any kind of garbage that may have rested underneath. Then a small door opened up on the back part which revealed 2 more lights slowly loominating to a bright white light.
Then he was off, a couple meter off the ground and rising, the car started to travel a faster to an average speed of 75Km an hour. As he drove to the metropolis he flew over a cement wall which kept anything to fall off the edge of the mechanical platform which stood there to house small communities such as that one, these platforms littered the out skirts on the large metropolis, away from all the noise pollution. These things seem to large buildings them self’s, the platform extended down wards for hundreds of stories until your vision is obstructed by a think grayish fog the lingered about in some parts of this city. The large platform had bright yellow windows that stood out from and small parking lot places for cars to fly into and park.
As he drew closer to the main part of the metropolis he could start to make out other cars, trucks, flying freighters. They seemed to number in the thousands, all speeding along going off to do the daily business. The cars criss crossed between each and every building, but were all in orderly fashion. Invisible 4 lained roads that stacked up to the tallest and the lowest parts of the city.
He finally made it to his destination, a building that was gold in colour that jetted up into the sky and formed a point, it had for other light gray parts that were smaller and lined the four corners on the building, they all extended up wards like the middle and came they all came to 4 independent points. The man landed his car in a docking port almost completely full of other members that worked in the very same building.
He got out of his car, powered it down and grabbed his suit case and started to make his way across the parking lot to 1 of 7 other doors that lined the a wall to the left of his car. He took the 4 one seem as it was the only one left, he rose his right hand and pulled out a key card that had a bio hazard symbol on the front, he swept it through a slot on the right side of the door. There was a humming sound. He waited for a moment and turned around to gaze at the parking lot which was lit up with a blinding yellow light from the sun. Ah a huge freighter like ship passed by blocking out the sun, the door opened and revealed an elevator, and he stepped inside and swiped the car again on a slot on the inside. The door closed and fumbled a little then started to slowly move down.
With a grin of his face, thinking of the work that he has accomplished in his when the door opened, it stooped at a laboratory with a while tiled floor and a very tall grayish roof with dangling bright lights above lighting up the room. A huge machine in the middle of the room was holding a small clear orb with which was filled with an Omanis purple liquid. , along the machine were computers that were monitoring this liquid for anything that seemed out of the ordinary. He walked over to a large computer, he put down the black suit case beside him and raised his left arm and stook out his thumb then pressed it against a small pad on the left side of the Key board of the computer, he waited for a moment as bright green light moved up and down and left to right scanning his thumb print. He slowly removed his thump from the pad and while the 45 inch screen in front of him turned on and said a few words in with a woman voice.
Computer: Hello, Dr. Richard. How may I help you today?
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Post by madvideogamer on Dec 17, 2008 15:07:02 GMT -5
1. Work on spelling.
2. Isn't it supposed to be stories about Brawl?
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Post by Maybe Might Not Be Moneybags on Dec 17, 2008 15:08:45 GMT -5
1. Work on spelling. 2. Isn't it supposed to be stories about Brawl? The board's "Story Writing/Fan Fiction," now. Did Hugh in Catholic school elude you or something? Don't you think you're kind of overdoing it with the "Part 1 of 4, Book 1 of 3" thing? P.S: It still says Lon. |
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Post by Zarth on Dec 17, 2008 15:08:47 GMT -5
1. Work on spelling. 2. Isn't it supposed to be stories about Brawl? Working on spelling, microsoft word 2008 said it looked fine, but you guys dont seem to... And i dont think so, does it really matter?? |
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Post by madvideogamer on Dec 17, 2008 15:10:50 GMT -5
Lon is a soluble AAA protease in bacteria, which contains AAA and protease domains within a single polypeptide chain.
Lawn is the land someone owns.
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Post by Zarth on Dec 17, 2008 15:11:41 GMT -5
the book thing/ no i'm not, Zarths backround is really that long.  and i'll find the lon thing. Other then those things, is the story alright? |
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Post by Maybe Might Not Be Moneybags on Dec 17, 2008 18:03:26 GMT -5
I get the feeling that the chapters are too short, story's getting interesting.
Now I want to get a job in an evil lab, $98 an hour?
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Post by Zarth on Dec 17, 2008 18:06:05 GMT -5
I dont know if you guys think this is better, but from what i see, there aren't any spelling errors. Please tell me what you think. i'll take any critisism you give to in order to make this story sund better.
Prologue: The release Part 2 of 4(Book 1 of 3)
About 3 hours passed since Dr. Richard made his way to the lab. Every thing was progressing as it did every other day, no mishaps, and no mistakes. Just another boring day in the secret lab, working for $98 an hour. Dr. Richard was looking on a progress report for the past 3 days to see if anything at all changed about the mysterious liquid in the machine.
An older scientist, around 76 years old by the name of Robert, he slowly walked up to Richard while holding a blue binder wit the words “classified information” on the front in big bold black letters.
‘Hey, Richard” Robert said in a questioning way. “Has anything changed about this residue? If so please tell me so that I can add it to the report that I need to send to the mister. He wants to know everything there is about this residue.
Richard stopped typing on the key for and slowly turned around to face Robert.
“No, nothing has changed in the slightest. Usually different types of residue would lose some kind of mass, due to evaporation or by other means. I’ve had the temperature dialed up to 350 degrees Celsius, and I’ve dialed it down just as much. Still nothing. This THING seems to be resident to drastic climate changes.
They both pondered for a few moments, but then Robert decided to speak up.
“Well, I’ll add that in. The minister is going to be interested in this report.”
Robert walked to the elevator which Richard came through and swiped his card, the door closed slowly, as soon as Robert was out of view Richard turned back around and glared at the small orb in the middle of the machine holding the liquid.
As the day progressed, night fall was just around the corner. Richard grabbed his suit case and said fare well to all his colleges still working around the lab and made his way to the elevator. The door opened and Richard walked in, then he turned around to face the lab for the last time before the door shut. When he got back up to the floor which his car was on he felt a light rumble go through the building, he though that it may have just been a large freighter landing on an upper floor delivering some supplies to the building.
When he got back into his car and drove off… That’s when it happened…
There was a bright red light coming from the place that he just left. Richard pulled up a monitor showing an image from a rearview camera mounted around the side of his car. It was an explosion. A large one at that, the source of the explosion seemed to have come from where the lab was. Watching all the other passing cars flying all over the place with panicking and surprised drivers, some collided into each other creating more damage and hurdled to the ground to the unsuspecting spectators below. Richard turned around his car to get a better view of the chaos, A few cars passed by his franticly trying to get away, almost hitting Richard and almost meeting the same fate as those who feel to the ground already. With a shocked look on his face, he watched the chaos unfold in front of him, thinking that all his friends died in the explosion, and why did it happen as soon as he left? Was fate? Or luck? Richard snapped him self out of the trace and was able to gain enough time to avoid a huge freighter rushing towards him at an alarming speed. He though to him self.
“I have to get out of here… If I don’t, I’ll…” Richard didn’t finish the thought, he turned his car around and headed home as fast as he could, nearly hitting 7 other cars along the way. But his luck soon ran out. While speeding through a red light, half his car was ripped off from another oncoming car, knocking him to the front wheel of a no longer flying car. It swirled out of control and hit a the roof a lower building violently skidding along the surface creating dozens of sparks.
After a few moments Richard crawled out side of what use to be his car. As he kneeled down on all fours coughing up blood, he looked up to where the explosion happened and the smoke the loomed over the disaster. But the smoke looked weird in colour; the smoke took on a very dark purple colour, the same colour as the liquid. The cloud of smoke the around the building finally cleared and rose to the sky.
Richard was right, the explosion did come from the lab, if it came from the lab, then all his friends must have died in the blast, or fell to their deaths. Richard let out a cry for his friend when a group of fire truck freighters flew by, and headed towards where the blast came from…
When the freighters got to their destination, they saw a weird plant like substance where the explosion originated from, it looked like veins, and they extended all along the walls of the inner part of the building.
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Post by Zarth on Dec 17, 2008 18:07:21 GMT -5
I get the feeling that the chapters are too short, story's getting interesting. Now I want to get a job in an evil lab, $98 an hour? Its not evil... just secret. I know it's short, i'm making it that way right now to keep the suspence up. they'll get longer later on. I'm still the prologue |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2008 23:19:09 GMT -5
The story is going really good so far dude.
Continue it, as I would liek to read more.
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Post by McJesus on Dec 17, 2008 23:38:26 GMT -5
I certainly hope this isn't another Illidon fanfic.
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Post by Zarth on Dec 17, 2008 23:39:56 GMT -5
I certainly hope this isn't another Illidon fanfic. My story has nothing to do with brawl. |
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DaringVonContra
Saintly
ONLY THE MANLIEST MEN WEAR PINK!![M0n:-4658]
I will fucking murder you
Posts: 2,583
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Post by DaringVonContra on Dec 18, 2008 17:49:07 GMT -5
Your story kinda does zarth this sory is kin da like chaos,s backstory. Chaos was a scincetest working on a secret project for Son Corp an explodesion happened and he lost his arm and half of his face. So he bulit 3 robotic arms two with skin over it and one claw arm. Later on he got an upgrade.
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Post by Zarth on Dec 18, 2008 20:48:31 GMT -5
Your story kinda does zarth this sory is kin da like chaos,s backstory. Chaos was a scincetest working on a secret project for Son Corp an explodesion happened and he lost his arm and half of his face. So he bulit 3 robotic arms two with skin over it and one claw arm. Later on he got an upgrade. No one other in brawl other then Zarth is going to be in this story. It doesnt even tske palce in the white woid, it's on Earth, and about 900 or so years in the future. The weird liqued stuff is NOT related to illidon in any way. You guys will see when the story progresses. And Zarth wont even be in this story untill the secnd book. |
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Post by ghost on Dec 19, 2008 20:33:29 GMT -5
This is coming from your Friendly Neighborhood Half-Asser, but I'll say this. If this is supposed to be an "epic" on Zarth's introduction, then I suggest you FINISH it while people are watching you. Wait, and you'll lose all of your will to press on.
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Post by Zarth on Dec 20, 2008 18:16:38 GMT -5
This is coming from your Friendly Neighborhood Half-Asser, but I'll say this. If this is supposed to be an "epic" on Zarth's introduction, then I suggest you FINISH it while people are watching you. Wait, and you'll lose all of your will to press on. I cant do much with the story right now, i had to do a system resore and lost my microsoft program, so you guys are going to have to wait a while. Sorry. |
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Post by McJesus on Dec 21, 2008 1:55:47 GMT -5
Dude use notepad.
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Post by Zarth on Jan 12, 2009 18:47:53 GMT -5
Prologue: The release Part 3 of 4(Book 1 of 3)
The dust final cleared from the crater on the side of the massive building. Car horns were going off; you could hear sirens far down below from where the debris fell. When the 3 fire freighters arrived to where the explosion occurred, they could see some weird purple vein things lining the outer part of the crater, it seemed to have originate deeper inside the building though. The firemen wearing newly shined, heat proof, metallic suits. Positioned on the outer parts of the 3 freighters that surrounded the crater all had puzzled looks on their face. When the order came in to investigate the crater, the firemen were a little hesitant to go down there, as if something was waiting for them.
“Hey! Are you guys going to stand there all day?! Or, are you going to get down there and check the place out?!” The chief said with an irritated voice. Just his sudden outburst, something down below moved and some more small debris feel to the ground. But then a newly recruit saw something before it ran back into the shadows.
“Uhh. sir! There’s something down there. It didn’t look human…” Everyone laughed at him, thinking that he was just trying to freak everyone out. But then everyone quickly turned around when they heard a very disturbing, spine tingling screech that came from the crater. They all watched carefully for anything that moved. But then the chief broke up the silence once again.
“Stop acting like a bunch of little babies that just shit their dipper. Now get down there And do your fucki-“ The chief was cut off when a purplish blur jumped up and completely dissipated him. Everyone had a shocked look on their face when they watched hit body topple over and fall to the ground. They all looked down to the ground still watching his body fall until it went through the clouds and couldn’t be seen anymore. Another Very loud screech filled the air, but this time it came from right above the other men, they all turned around to see a very disturbing looking creature.
The thing had the anatomy of a human but there were purple veins and skin flaps overlapping most of the body, the things left arm completely swollen and had blood dripping from 2 large claws that were about a foot long. It mouth was disfigured like its mouth was flipped onto its side, it had very sharp teeth the circled all around the inside of its mouth. It’s eyes were shaped as eggs and it had oval shaped retinas the had a weird reddish colour to them. It’s nose was sucked in and all it had were to small holes. The purple stuff covered its entire face, the creature had almost no hair.
One of the fire men turned around and puked at first glance of this creature. They all had shocked faces, thinking that they all were going to die. The other to freighters saw was happened and pulled out of their before they were attacked. The creature took a step forward but the firemen took a step backwards but backed into the railing on edge of the freighter, The creature looked at all 4 of the men like it was deciding who to kill first. The creature made a weird gargling noise and spat some very sticky and very corrosive purple slime right in his face, the fire man fell down hold his face while screaming.
“AHHHH! OH GOD! IT, IT BURNS! AHHHHHHH!” Rolling around in pain the monster jumped down and started to rip apart the other 3 men. The man standing closest to the one who had that stuff spat in his face looked at the monster as it jumped down it front of him when It waved the back of his left arm to push the man off the freighter and have him fall to his death, but the man tried to resist the monsters strength by holding its arm back, but underestimating its strength, the man started to lean over the railing and finally lost his footing. As he dangled over a 700 foot drop the only thing he was holding on to was the monsters purple slippery skin. Soon the monster became annoyed with the little worm like man and waived him off so that he could fall to his death.
The next fireman was standing in front of the recruit when he turned his head and told him to get the hose, but when he turned his head around he felt the to large claw pry into his body and puncher his lung. He started to cough up blood, when the monster pulled out the claws he let him feel to the ground and bleed out, the other fire man that had the ooze spat in his face was un conches but the smell of burning flesh was still in the air.
The monster gave out another screech and spat they slimy balls of that purple stuff at the recruit, but he was fast enough to dodge all 3 and jumped into the storage container on the side on the freighter, their he found a high powered hose, he got it ready and had it aim in front of him, ready to blast the monster of the freighter. When the monster came into view, he was a little hesitant to pull back the trigger, but when it stepped a little closer he had no other choice but to shot this thing off.
“Ge- Get back!” He pulled back the trigger and shot the monster off the freighter with such force, that its right arm was left behind as a souvenir.
A little dazed from the recoil of the hoze, he quickly got up and ran over to his friend ho had the ooze spat into his face, he flipped him over and saw that almost all the skin was all melted off, and for some strange reason, he had some small purple vein covering what was left of his face.
“Don’t worry man I’m going to get you to a hospital. Just stay with me!” woke up but was barely conches,
“Waa… Where am I…? w… What… Happened to… the t… team…? *cough*” He started to reach over and feel his face, but the recruit stopped him before he could and slowly lowered his arm to the deck.
“Waa, what’s g go…ing on? Why… Can’t I feel m my face *cough cough cough*
“Just hold on, I’m going to get you to a hospital, ok?!” He picked up his injured friend and stood back up and walked over to the driver’s and placed him in the next seat over, he then started it up and took it out of idle and drove off to the nearest hospital.
“b by… the way, m my name… is Stewart… *cough*”
“Nice to meet Stewart, I’m Jason. You doing alright? Stewart? Stewart! Oh shit, Oh shit.” once again Stewart was out cold but this time he had blood coming out what was left of his face. They finally reached the hospital, Jason didn’t take the time to land the freighter properly almost hitting a few people and having it smash into the metallic landing pad. But once it stopped, he grabbed Stewart and ran inside to the large hospital building, the automatic doors opened up, He started yelling for a doctor help him.
“Someone help my friend! Where is the doctor! Someone please help him!!”A group of nurses came over with a bed.
“Tell us what wrong with him.”
“I, I don’t know?! He had this weird slim spat into his face, and now its burning away!”
The group of nurses quickly put him on the bed and took him off behind some more automatic doors, as soon as they closed; Jason had this weird feeling in his stomach about what might happen to him.
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Post by Zarth on Jan 13, 2009 16:31:42 GMT -5
The Prologue is over and I romis that the story is going to get a lot better.
Prologue: The release Part 4 of 4(Book 1 of 3)
After waiting several hours in the waiting room he decided to go back out to where he left his freighter. But when he opened up the door to the hall way, he looked down to the exit and saw people running and screaming, as if they were trying to get away from something. Jason slowly walked to the exit, bumping in to people running the other way. He slowly opened the door and to his surprise the freighter wasn’t their anymore, all that was left were the skid marks from when he landed the thing. A loud horn sound came from behind the hospital; the fire freighter was making a loop around the building and started flying directly towards Jason. Another horn when off from the freighter and the 2 large water gun hoses at the bottom started to spray purple liquid. Jason Jumped behind a near by car and held his head down as the freighter flew right over the engines shaking everything in its path The freighter was so close to his head that it tore off the top of the car Jason was hiding behind. Jason opened his eyes to see the freighter making another loop right back at him, When Jason stood back up to find another place to hide, he saw that the liquid had turned into more of the vein and it was quickly spreading all over the landing pad. Jason started to run back to the entrance of the hospital when something jumped out of a window 3 stories higher from where Jason was. When it hit the ground Jason let go of the door handle and stared at the person in the torn up fire suit. The person quickly turned his head to look at Jason. It was none other then Stewart. But it didn’t look like Stewart, his face was all deformed, he looked like the creature that attacked them back at the creator on the side of the building. The freighter honked it’s horn again as it drew closer every second and right after the freighter, Stewart made the same screeching sound and started run after Jason. Jason quickly opened the entrance door to the hospital and ran as fast as he could to the nearest elevator, but when Jason made a left turn he rammed into a man it a white lab coat covered in his own blood and they both fell over backwards.
“Aww, dam! Watch where you’re running kid!” “What are you still doing here?! Those things are right out side!” Jason said in a frantic panic to get back up. Wait, what THINGS are you talking about?” “How Am I suppose to know?! They came out of the crater on the side of that large building a few miles west?!” Jason was still panicking. “Ohhh, shit” “what? WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THOSE THINGS!?” “I’ll tell you later, but first we have to get out of here.” Just before they started running again they heard another scream from Stewart not far behind them. When they started a little further, they met up with some security guards holding high powered energy rifles. When they passed the two they looked down the hall and Saw Stewart slowly walking closer to them. In a frantic they all started shooting at the creature. Jason staring down the hall, watching all the bright blue lights, he saw the shadows of the security guards, then he saw the creature jumping on one of them and sticking its claws right threw the guys face. They started running again and finally made their way to the elevator placed on the out side of the building, it had a very large glass window on the front of it viewing out towards the sun and all the cars and freighters passing by without a care in the world.
“oh, by the way, I’m Richard.” Richard said as he lay down on the floor of the elevator. “I’m Stewart. Now, do we go up or down? That thing is getting closer.” “Down, the closer to the surface we are the better; maybe we can find a car get us out of this place.” When Jason pressed the button, the door closed but a few seconds later they hear loud scratching noises on the other side, but it didn’t matter, they were already a few floor below where that thing was. As they started out side, watching the sun set, they saw the fire freighter slowly pass right by the elevator, when they looked inside the divers seat, instead there was no one their, but the entire area was replaced with some kind of swollen purple sack thing. It gave off a loud horn sound, but this time it sounded a little distorted, not because they were behind think glass, but for some other reason.
When the elevator passed below the clouds, the elevator came to a jolting stop and the door slid open again, and their were about 7 other doctor and nurses staring at them, some came to help Richard thinking he was injured because of the blood on his lab coat.
“No!, I don’t need your help, I’m fine, I just need to find a way out of here and fast.” Richard said while shoving them all away trying to get through the hall.
Theirs a bus waiting on the landing pad just over their, Just take a right and head straight, It should still be their… I think.” One of the nurses said with a worried look on her face.
Jason and Stewart both started to walk down the hall when they saw the bus getting ready to leave. They waved it down but it took off before they could get close enough for the driver to see them, as they watched the bus take off, they hear the same distorted horn. The fire freighter flew like a rocket and rammed it’s self into the buss creating a very bright fiery explosion, Screaming from the people inside the bus, and the ones falling out of their seat and falling to their doom. Body peaces and fragments from the bus flew back at Stewart and Richard but they were able to jump behind a large transport freighter before any of it came close to them, metal fragments from the buss flew like bullets and impaled them selves alone the back wall of the landing pad. When the looked over to where the collision happened, their wasn’t really anything left of the buss, sure, some limes that flew back to the landing pad were slowly burning away, but the fire freighter was no where to be seen.
“Why is that thing after us?” Stewart had a puzzled look on his face while walking closer to the edge of the landing bad to see where the buss fell. Richard walked down the Ills of the landing pad looking at all the cars parked all around the pad. Richard found a suitable car that seemed have been unlocked.” Pfft, Lazy owner. Hey! Stewart! I found an unlocked car!” Richard opened the door on the drivers end crouched down to try and hot wire the car when they both hear the horn from the fire freighter making another loop around the hospital to try and crash right where they where standing. “Shit! Richard, hurry up! The thing is getting closer!” Stewart ran over to where Richard was when he saw the freighter off in the distance coming at them at a very fast pace. Richard finally got the car to work, when some very disturbing 21st century music came on. “Oh what the hell?” Who listens to this stuff anymore?” Stewart Said. They both got into the car and turned the music off. The car rose off from the pad and started to fly towards the freighter. “Hey, umm, Richard, you saw what that thing did to the bus right?” “I am well away what happened to the buss.” Just before the they collided with the freighter, Richard pulled off a loop with the car and flew over the freighter. Watching from the rearview camera, the Freighter crashed into the building releasing a very bright explosion that engulfed the entire landing pad.
“Thank god, it’s finally over.” Stewart laid back in his chair trying to relax when something came up on the radio about the crater caused by the explosion from the lab.
“No, it’s just begun.”
End of Prologue
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Post by Zarth on Jan 14, 2009 23:31:58 GMT -5
I guess my story is SHIT. Oh well, I'll stop then...
I really just rushed the last part of the prologue because I wanted to get to the actual thing.
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Post by ghost on Jan 14, 2009 23:50:28 GMT -5
I guess my story is SHIT. Oh well, I'll stop then... I really just rushed the last part of the prologue because I wanted to get to the actual thing.Whoa, whoa, whoa. I still want to know Zarth's origin. Of course, if your going to be lazy and give up, a brief summary will suffice. |
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Post by Zarth on Jan 15, 2009 0:25:36 GMT -5
I guess my story is SHIT. Oh well, I'll stop then... I really just rushed the last part of the prologue because I wanted to get to the actual thing.Whoa, whoa, whoa. I still want to know Zarth's origin. Of course, if your going to be lazy and give up, a brief summary will suffice. I'll keep going then, and it was really the 4 part of the prologue that i was lazy with. FIRST CHAPTER IS IN THE MAKING. And will look better then the prologue. |
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Post by Zarth on Jan 15, 2009 17:55:13 GMT -5
So is this any better?
Chapter 1: Failed containment.
(filler)3 months after the out brake, most of the metropolis evacuated before the entire city was shut and contained inside a large bubble shield. Millions of men, women and children were able to get out of that hell whole with their lives, numbers still showed that close to four million civilians were still in the city; they refused to leave because of religious beliefs. The city was dead quiet. Before the city was contained, the government sent out an E.M.P keeping all vehicles from leavening after the evacuation hours. Small camps were set up all around the large shield. Supple freighters came in delivering supplies to many of these camps. Other camps in the outer parts of the city became corrupt and killed each other over simple things. Even though the shield kept anything from going in and out, it didn’t stop the sounds of screaming coming from with in deeper parts of the city. Thousands of civilians stood along the rim of the shield looking down the empty roads littered with peaces of cars and freighters that crashed after the EMP. Purple veins covered most of the outer parts of the extremely tall building, a purple mist clouded the air making it harder to se through every passing hour. But the people still starred down the roads like they were waiting for something to come running to them. But, there was nothing. Just the just a very disturbing silence that was interrupted by screams coming from the people still stuck inside the shield. Every day there were less and less screams until there were none at all. Just clouds of purple mist growing ever thicker, veins covering almost 100% of every building behind the shield, smaller veins that creped along the broken roads came suddenly stopped when they came 2 inches from the shield. Bigger, thicker veins connecting buildings like bridges on all different levels of these buildings, after all this time on the out side, they’re were no sings of animals even coming close to the camps. No bears no birds, not even the odd rat that would go through the trash. No bugs, to cricket noises. It was dead quiet.
(filler)Richard and Stewart were one of the first evacuees. They didn’t stop at any of the camps but headed deep into a desert where a small out post stood in the middle of no where. A large tower that had 3 satellite dishes attached to in and 3 small rectangular building that surrounded the tower. A watch tower just out side of one of the buildings had to guards watching over making sure no one without a business here would even come close. Armed with a AA Battery gun, he carefully aimed it at the Car that Stewart and Richard were in when the small radio system pushed back into the corner came on with Richards voice.
(filler)"This is Scientist #7725; I came concerning the out brake that happened 3 months ago. I need to speak to the general immediately. It is of the up most impotence that I deliver this news to him as soon as possible. Let me through.” The guard lowered the battery and let Richards Car pass by. Richard pulled over to the largest building started to set down his car, kicking up dust the car lowered to the ground while Richard and Stewart both jumped out of the car, Stewart scanning his surroundings and trying to find something to block the unbearable heat coming from the afternoon sun. Richard came up (filler)to a grey door on the east side of the building, before he entered he turned around and yelled told Stewart to get in. “Hey! We don’t have much time; we have to tell the general about what happened.” Richard entered the building and Stewart Came in right after, staying a little behind, looking around the building and seeing nothing but people sitting in cubicles doing some kind of work when they reached a black elevator with a simple dome light on the top. The only thing on the inside of the elevator was a small red button on the left side, Richard reached up with his left hand to press the button The elevator doors closed making a screeching metal sound. Stewart wondering where the hell the elevator would go, when Richard said “the only why to go now, is down.” The elevator slowly slid downwards, rays of light coming from 3 holes on each side of the elevator every 7 seconds. When the elevator stopped, the door making the same screeching sound opened up to a long dark hall with a grey marble floor, a long row of dome lights stretched all the way down to a single double door at the end of the hall. Richard walked down the hall while Stewart slowly followed behind him, 2 of the lights in the hall flickered rapidly, only letting out 30% of the light as the other ones. Richard came up to the door and waited for Stewart to catch up, when he did, Richard opened both sides of the door and a single man in an army uniform was standing in the middle of the room looking at a screen of the city behind the shield, shrouded by the purple mist.
(filler)“Sir, I have important news about the out brake.” Richard stood up straight and waited for a reply from the general. “Well? Let’s hear it doctor, it’s not like I have anything else on my list of things to do today.” The general turned around with a sugar in his mouth letting out a puff waiting for Richard to speak up. Both of them ignoring Stewart while they carried on their conversation, Stewart walked over to a desk placed in one of the corners of the room. “Sir, sorry sir, after months of testing the residue, we found that it was immune to everything we tested it with, from fire to nuclear energy. We used almost every kind of drug we have out their but nothing happened, but three months ago, as you can se on the screen. It broke out and expanded at a rapid rate. Stewart turned away from the desk to listen closely to what they were saying. “We also figured out, we I mean Stewart and I. That this THING is able to infect animals and use their bodies as weapons.” Richard stood there with an emotionless expression waiting for the general to say something. “Is that all, Richard?”The general said with an annoyed voice while turning around to look back at the screen. “No sir.” Just before Richard started to talk again, an image appeared behind the shield. “What in god’s name…’ the general stepped closer to the screen watching an object behind the shield shrouded behind the smock quickly approach the shield. Soon two more object appeared approaching the shield at the same rate, then 4 other and soon a about a dozen of them were approaching the shield at an alarming rate. “A… Are those freighters?” The general’s jaw dropped letting his sugar hit the ground. “Sir, this THING is able to infect machines and take them over as if it was a skeleton to them. The general turned around and started walking up to Richard “Wait. They can take machines and use just like we can?” “Yes sir.” The general quickly turned around to watch the fleet of freighters as they drew closer to the shield still at their alarming rate. On a lower part of the screen you could see flocks of civilians running for their lives, trying to get away from freighters. The general walked up a key board just below the screen and pressed a few button, bringing up 4 other screens circling the city. (Filler)On all the screens, freighters were coming out from the middle of the city and heading towards the shield at the same rate as the other ones on the first screen. Stewart walked up to the general and stood beside him with a worried look on his face. “Can those things brake through the shield?” The general was quiet for a few moments before he answered. “With enough force, they can puncher a hole right through…”
(Filler)Right before the freighters hit the shield they made a spiral turn and crashed to the ground hitting the shield with enough force to have it glow red around the crash site. The shield started to shimmer for a few moments before a tunnel hole on the ground opened up around the crashed freighter. The same thing happened on all other 4 screens. The other freights that were right behind the lead one all flew out of the tunnel at such a speed that the people on the ground were picked up and thrown around from the wind current left behind. The freights flew off in all different directions when everyone turned around to look at the crashed freighter watching the fog was it slowly drifted out of the hole when something moved behind the fog. Suddenly swarms of infected civilians came running out screeching as they ran at the defenseless civilians along the ground. The camera for the first screen fell over while all the infected ran out of the hole like mad, killing attacking one in their path, the veins on the ground that stood by right behind the shield grew out of the hole quickly covering the ground and killing the green grass. The camera shut off and all there was was static. One by one each screen in the room shut off, showing nothing by static. The general stood there stunned of what just happened, he picked up an old phone on a desk right in front of the screen “Are there any other camera out by the bubble shield that still work?” He put down the phone and waited a few seconds when the first screen popped up with a bird’s eye view of what was going on on the ground.
(filler) Thousands of dead civilians were littered all over the ground, from what it looked like, the veins on the ground were starting to cover the mangled bodies, when one civilian closer to the tunnel rose up from the ground with a gash right through his neck. Richard, Stewart and the general were all watching intently as the civilian slowly turned around to face the camera. Hard to make out his face from the fog seeping out of the city, The civilian raised his head and gave out a shriek just like the other infected who came rushing out of the holes all around the city. The shield around the city started to shimmer un controllably when the entire shield failed and collapse on its self, releasing all the gasses and the infected free from their prison. All the dead civilians started to rise up from the ground one at a time just like the first one when, the camera turned to face the city when an infected car collided into the camera, destroying all view of the city. “Is their some we can do? Can we still find a way to kill these things?” The general said in a very sad voice. “Not that I know of, sir.” Richard lowered his glance to the dirty marble floor while backing up a few steps.”I’ll try to find a way.” “You better, Richard, you found this things. YOU KILL IT.” The entire room started to rumble like something above was passing over at a very low altitude. “ a voice came from the phone on the desk. “ Sir! A freighter covered in this weird purple stuff just landed a few miles off from the outpost, what should we do?” “Evacuate the outpost, get everyone away from that freighter!” After the conversation on the phone, an evacuation siren filled the room. The general, Richard and Stewart all ran out the door and towards the elevator on the other side, the room lit with a red light from the siren lights the popped out of the roof. They all reached the elevator when the general reached in his left pocket to pull out a weird looking key. He pulled off the red button inside the elevator and which revealed a key hole for the key he was holding. He put in the key and turned it to the right. “Everyone, Get in.NOW!” Richard and Stewart both ran into the elevator when it slammed shut and started to hurdle at a very fast rate deeper down under ground. When they reached their destination the elevator slowed down to a stop and slowly opened to reveal a very large Frigate about the size of one massive building in the metropolis docked on a pad surrounded by cranes, supply freighters and many other things. The general started to run to the frigate and Richard and Stewart followed. They ran up to another elevator, the general waited for both of them to catch up when he pulled back a lever which pulled them up to a door way on the side of the frigate.
(filler) they entered a room which looked like the bridge to the large ship, around 9 other people were in the same room doing system diagnostics. “Umm, sir? Where are we going?” Stewart stood at the door a little shocked of what was going on around him. “Were going to a place far from the infected, were heading to New York.” The ship started to rumble as a large hole started to open u on the roof, sand poured in all over the frigate. The ground beneath the frigate started to glow red hot from the thrusters pushing the frigate up above the ground, the sun glared on the smooth surface of the frigate once the frigate was clear from the hanger smaller ships that looked like fighters started to zoom by the frigate like flies. The freighter came into view; the veins were starting to spread out all over the sand like tree roots, infected ran towards the outpost searching anything living. “Destroy the freighter over there, keep them from following us. One of the large turrets on the side of the frigate slowly turn around to face the freighter, the coils started to glow red, the white hot. Large blasts shot at the freighter cutting it in half and vaporizing anything that was near the blast. “Now get us out of here!’ the main engines started to flare up with small flame soon bursting out making the frigate move at such an alarming speed it caused a small sand storm around the outpost.
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Post by Maybe Might Not Be Moneybags on Jan 15, 2009 19:17:06 GMT -5
Much better, but you get just a few phrases wrong here and there. For example, "It is of the utmost importance that I speak with him."
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Post by Zarth on Jan 15, 2009 19:35:58 GMT -5
Much better, but you get just a few phrases wrong here and there. For example, "It is of the utmost importance that I speak with him." I know, It said on microsoft word that it was spelt worng... so i put the other one on... |
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Post by Gront on Jan 16, 2009 3:33:30 GMT -5
I have one piece of advice, good sir: PROOFREAD.I'm sorry, I just gotta put a spoiler on that. It's huge. ~McJesusoutbreakhellhole, or, if you must make it two words, hell hole leavingSupply (I assume, since "supple" is a silly word to describe a freighter...) piecesPurple veins covered most of the outer parts of the extremely tall building, a purple mist clouded the air making it harder to se through every passing hour. ...building ; a purple... Also: ...harder to seestaredsomething to come running to them. But, there was nothing. But is a conjunction and cannot start a sentence. It should read "something to come running to them, but there was nothing."Just the just a very disturbing silence very disturbing silence Every day there were less and less screams (I could have forgiven this one, actually, but since I'm on a roll...) smaller veins that creped along the broken roads or simply suddenly stoppeddifferent levels of these buildings, after all this time These should be two separate sentences. on the out side, they’re were no sings of animals
there (you were doing really well on your there/their/they're up until this one) signsNo bugs, to cricket noises. cricket noises Richard and Stewart were one of the first evacuees. Wrong. They were TWO of the first evacuees. (props for spelling evacuees correctly, though) a small out post stood in the middle of no where.
nowhere3 satellite dishes attached to in attached to itand 3 small rectangular building building sA watch tower just out side of one of the buildings
outsidehad to guards watching over guards without any business thereArmed with a AA Battery gun, he carefully aimed Who the fuck is "he"? One of the guards? Pronouns need an antecedent. "Car" is not a proper noun and therefore should not be capitalized unless it's at the beginning of a sentence. I came concerning the out brake Again, outbreakIt is of the up most impotence (impotent means you can't make babies, or are completely powerless) let Richards Car pass by. Richard 's car Richard pulled over to the largest building started to set down his car ...largest building and started... kicking up dust the car lowered to the ground ...kicking up dust . (Stop the sentence and start a new one here.) The car lowered... while Richard and Stewart both jumped out of the car "out of the car" is understood and should be deleted Filler? Really? In the middle of a paragraph? grayon the east side of the building, before he entered ...side of the building . (Stop these damn sentences!) Before he entered, he turned around and yelled told Stewart to get in. Delete "yelled." Stewart Came in right after "Came" should not be capitalized. some kind of work when they reached a black elevator with a simple dome light on the top. "When" should not be here. I would make two sentences. button on the left side, Richard reached up Switch that comma with a period. to press the button The elevator doors closed You missed a period. where the hell the elevator would go, when Richard said Delete the comma. “the only why to go now, is down.” Also, delete the comma. When the elevator stopped, the door making the same screeching sound opened up The clause "making the same screeching sound" should be set apart by commas on either side. a long dark hall with a grey marble floor a long row of dome lights "A long row..." should be a new sentence. behind him, 2 of the lights in the hall flickered The comma after him should be a semicolon. waited for Stewart to catch up, when he did, "When he did" should start a new sentence. “Sir, I have important news about the out brake.” The general turned around with a sugar in his mouth Sugar? Wtf? Oh, you mean cigar. letting out a puff waiting for Richard to speak up. [/b] ...letting out a puff while waiting... Both of them ignoring Stewart while they carried on their conversation, Stewart walked over to a desk placed in one of the corners of the room. Both of them ignored Stewart... "Steward walked" should start a new sentence. every kind of drug we have out their but nothing happened, but three months ago Delete the second "but" and just make it into a new sentence. seeon the screen. It broke out and expanded "It broke out..." should be part of the previous sentence. You didn't close your quotes “We also figured out, we I mean Stewart and I. That this THING Should read as follows: "We also figured out (by 'we' I mean Stewart and I) that this thing..." shrouded behind the smock quickly approach the shield. behind the smokeSoon two more object appeared The general’s jaw dropped letting his sugar hit the ground. =/= sugar “Wait. They can take machines and use just like we can?” ...take machines and use them just like... On a lower part of the screen you could see flocks Don't use "you" in stories. Perhaps replace with "he" or "they." The general walked up a key board ...walked up to a keyboard... pressed a few buttonS(Filler)On all the screens You had (filler) in there again. “Can those things brake through the shield?” ... break through the shield. Brake is the pedal on a car that slows you down. Break is to damage. “With enough force, they can puncher a hole right through…” I'm not sure whether you meant to use punch or puncture, but puncher is not a word. In this context, I would use "punch." crashed to the ground hitting the shield There should be a comma after "ground." before a tunnel hole on the ground Ever heard of a "tunnel hole" before? Because I certainly haven't. Drop one word or the other. The other freights that were right behind the lead one If you call them freighters before, you can't shorten it now... in all different directions when everyone turned around "When everyone turned..." should be a new sentence. the crashed freighter watching the fog was it slowly drifted There should be a comma after freighter. Also: ...the fog as it slowly drifted... ran out of the hole like mad, killing attacking one killing and attacking anyonein their path, the veins on the ground Start a new sentence at "the veins." showing nothing by static. nothing but static The general stood there stunned of what just happened, he picked up an old phone stunned by what just happened. (new sentence here) He picked... “Are there any other camera out by the bubble shield that still work?” all over the ground, from what it looked like, the veins on the ground "From" should start a new sentence. Hard to make out his face hard to make out... seeping out of the city, The civilian raised "The civilian" should start a new sentence. started to shimmer un controllably (one word) when the entire shield failed and collapse on its self "Free" is superfluous and redundant. It should be deleted. just like the first one when, the camera turned Delete "when," start a new sentence. “Is their some we can do? Can we still find a way to kill these things?” Is there some thing? “You better, Richard, you found this things. YOU KILL IT.” "Things" is plural, therefore when using a pronoun to describe them, it must also be plural ("them"). very low altitude. “ a voice random double quotes...? “Evacuate the outpost, get everyone away from that freighter!” That comma should be a semicolon. the room lit with a red light from the siren lights the popped out of the roof ...the siren lights that popped out of the ceiling.. (the outside is the roof; the inside is the ceiling) He put in the key and turned it to the right. This isn't an error in grammar, but keys turn clockwise or counterclockwise, not right or left. deeper down under ground. "Down" is redundant in this context, so delete it. Also: undergroundpulled them up to a door way on the side of the frigate. "They" should be capitalized. which looked like the bridge to the large ship, around 9 other people ...like the bridge of the large ship, and around 9... Also, how can there be around 9 people? Nine is a fairly exact number. Stewart stood at the door a little shocked of what was going on around him. shocked by what was going on We're going far from the infected, were heading That comma should be a semicolon. Also: we're heading a large hole started to open u on the roof, sand poured in all over the frigate. to open up on the roof... Also, start a new sentence after roof. pushing the frigate up above the ground, the sun glared Replace the comma with a semicolon. on the smooth surface of the frigate once the frigate was clear Start a new sentence before "once." all over the sand like tree roots, infected ran towards the outpost searching anything living. Instead of the comma, start a new sentence. Also: searching for anything living “Destroy the freighter over there, keep them from following us. You missed a double quotation mark. slowly turned around to face the freighter, the coils started to glow red, the white hot. start a new sentence after "freighter." Also: started to glow red, then white hot. “Now get us out of here!’ the main engines that single quotation mark should be double. Also, you didn't capitalize the t in "the." started to flare up with small flame soon bursting out making the frigate move at such an alarming speed it caused a small sand storm around the outpost. [/spoiler] Don't get me wrong, Zarth; the story was pretty good. I just abhor the grammatical errors you keep making. The worst part is, unfortunately, your grammar is far from the worst on the site. There are plenty of users who need to get their "there/their/they're" straight, and, when you aren't using it to connect things that shouldn't be connected, you have a pretty good hold on the comma. I'm not saying your work should be perfect, either. You'll have spelling mistakes and grammatical errors. If you had reread this, however, I think you could have at least gotten rid of some of them. On a side note, I would like to mention that the max character limit for posts on the forum is ridiculously high. I've used all those characters and still have 39199 characters left. Wow. |
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Post by Zarth on Jan 16, 2009 11:23:33 GMT -5
Ok, I'll proof read iot next time, I new I forgot to do something.
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Post by rabiesisme on Jan 16, 2009 11:28:20 GMT -5
Ok, I'll proof read iot next time, I new I forgot to do something. ... Yeah, uhm... let someone else proofread it... |
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Post by Zarth on Jan 16, 2009 12:20:09 GMT -5
Ok, I'll proof read iot next time, I new I forgot to do something. ... Yeah, uhm... let someone else proofread it... You aren't just saying that because of the little type I made with the word IT, are you?  I was in a hurry and had to reply because I had to get to class. |
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Post by rabiesisme on Jan 16, 2009 12:24:49 GMT -5
... Yeah, uhm... let someone else proofread it... You aren't just saying that because of the little type I made with the word IT, are you? I was in a hurry and had to reply because I had to get to class. No, also because you don't know how to spell "knew". Come on, Zarth. Come oooon. It's no secret around here that you... and spelling errors... are quite fond of one another. |
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and i'll find the lon thing.
I was in a hurry and had to reply because I had to get to class.